Net 102 Week 3 Task assignment 1.3 How far would a partner have to go online before it’s considered cheating?

(submitted for discussion group)
The acceptability of online dating amongst your friends and family. Do you know of anyone that's met someone on line and then gone on to date them face to face?
I have to agree with you P***r, dating on line is becoming more of a norm these days to let's say 5 years ago. A friend of mine met a man on line, took her young son and left Australia and now married (married in the last week to be exact) the person to whom she had been chatting via ICQ with.  My mother (74!) signed me up for an on line dating site (hmmm). I though prefer to do things the old fashioned way after actually going on a date with one of those "nice" men. I would like to beg the question: Is on line dating bypassing the normal rituals of face to face dating? and Are these people who they say they are?
I can't say that I would be embarrassed to admit that I met someone on line, I just don't spend that much time on dating sites to meet someone in that fashion.



Net 102 Week 3
TASK 1.3 (ASSIGNMENT 1)

Q: How far would a partner/spouse have to go online before it is considered cheating? Up to what point is flirting online acceptable? How 'real' is cybersex? Your initial writing for this topic should not be above 500 words, although it is fine for notes and extracts from the discussion, and further reflection, to take you over this limit.

A:
What is acceptable cheating, if there ever is such a thing? According to Wikipedia "there are divisions of infidelity, which may be emotional. Cheating by thinking of, touching and talking with someone you are attracted to may be equally damaging to one of the parties".
These are grey areas that could be deemed as perfectly acceptable within the confines of a modern relationship, for example looking or peering (perving) at someone is fine (leering might be slightly questionable), and it's not exactly cheating. People can look at people, make eye contact, smile in a flirtatious clans dine manner and yet still be true to their partner.
Thinking about someone other than your partner, consider this, if you thought about your partner 24/7 that could be viewed as obsessive compulsive behavior for which medication can be prescribed. So would touching someone else outside of a committed relationship be considered cheating. Touching is easily misinterpreted, but in the case of the cheating context yes, especially if it is done in a sexual manner. What about talking to someone on line? Here in its self is the quandary; it depends in what context the "chat" is being held. How far does a partner need to go online flirting, chatting, emailing before it to be considered cheating?

Flirting on line is one thing, it can be as simple as "you're so cute I could eat you up," as flirting in its self is relatively harmless and considered healthy when kept within its functioning boundaries, on the other hand actively soliciting cybersex / sex-chat while flirting is a whole other dimension. Talking with another person in all probability a complete stranger on the end of another terminal can be fun, if you are single and consensual or even if you are not single. But if you are in a committed relationship cyber sex could be potentially damaging to the relationship. You may be engaging in sexual misconduct, albeit in a fantasy situation, that does in real life stir actual physical sensations within ones self with someone other than your spouse. That in all probability is cheating, and could be extremely hurtful to the respective partner. People who engage in cyber sex with someone other than their partner can in speculation have the appearance of becoming secretive, evasive, erase emails, shut down computers and could even clear the history cache every time they log off or when their loved one walks in the room (action and reaction) because they quite possibly understand that a boundary may been over stepped. Would I view that person as having an affair, I can reason that they are committing themselves emotionally to the cyber sexual situation even if there is no actual physical contact and that in its self could equate to having an affair, because how real is cyber sex? In answering my own question, it is possible to reply that that depends on whose view you are considering, the person cyber sexing or their actual "real life" partner's.


Reference
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cheating

"Wikipedia's view on cheating in relationships: Personal relationships

Topic 1.3: Dating, Intimacy and Sexuality/ Week 3 Pascoe article review

Internet Studies 102: The Internet and Everyday Life Week 3
Topic 1.3: Dating, Intimacy and Sexuality
Pascoe, C.J. (2009). Intimacy in Mizuko, I et. al. Hanging Out, Messing Around, Geeking Out: Living and Learning with New Media.
http://digitalyouth.ischool.berkeley.edu/book-intimacy.

How do youths growing up with the Internet form and conduct relationships these days? This reading takes us beyond online dating agencies and cybersex, into the realm of everyday life and intimacy.
Review
Pascoe discusses in his interesting article how the contemporary dating practices have been displaced in today's media savvy teen culture. It is interesting how he approaches the article, utilising interviews with primarily teenage participants between the ages of 14 to 19. His exploration of how teen's "normative and non-normative patterns of intimacy" (p1) has changed over the 20^th and 21^st centuries, how teens used to "date" and "hang out" but that now however media plays a major part in the changing of ritual courting practices. This had me interested to read more. Pascoe broaches the historical "upgrade" of courting practices from the contemporary 1950's dating American teen to that of current media dependent teenagers.
"Dating and romance practices and themes, so central to contemporary American teen cultures, not surprisingly are a central part of teens' new media practices (Lenhart and Madden 2007; Oksman and Turtainen 2004). Using social media, contemporary teens continue to craft and reshape dating and romance norms and rituals that are now deeply tied to the development of new media literacies". (p 2 Pasco) Pasco describes how dating is losing its past formality, becoming more varied and relaxed, especially with the use of technology such as mobile phones, instant messaging and social network sites like Facebook and MySpace. Teens are able to compose a message which might be flirtatious then they proceed in a manner that might make them feel less vulnerable, more confident than they would with face to face physical contact. A new informal language "whatever theory of language" has developed although Pascoe writes that it is important to recognise that this form of language is in no way a "dumbing down" of language but a "contextually specific literacy practice acutely tuned to particulars of given social situations and cultural norms." (p5)
All this technology. Human nature still comes down to an emotional connection as simple as flirting. Teens do it on line but they tend to do it with people they know, and only the minority of teenagers with flirt with complete strangers. This usually is kept quiet from their friends as "meeting people on line is weird, unnatural, geeky or scary". If teens do meet someone online they will utilise their real world networks to verify who that person is.
Being in a relationship for a teen in this day and age appears to be hard. There is the expectancy of being "always on" and available. Pascoe comments that "teens now do much of their relationship work by using new media, posting back comments, returning text messages, phone calls. When is there down time? Media has become a teenager's relationship 'leash'. It has unfortunately also enabled the teen to comfortably dispose of a relationship, to leave one in a dignified way but leave at least one channel of communication open when the relationship has ended. Although according to Pascoe's article there are certain aspects of media use that are viewed as disrespectful but that "some people do it but most people don't". Breaking up via Instant Messaging, a posted message on Facebook or a text message is something that can't be taken back. It's left its cyber foot print. Still the use of media in a teenagers life especially where relationships are concerned has opened up questions of vulnerability and privacy. A teen can be on line and have a degree of privacy from their parents, according to Pascoe, "youth are able to maintain relationships with people of whom their parents might not approve". Boundaries?, Teens have their lives digitalised on line, they are able to monitor each other in more intense ways and find ways to control each other which leaves those teenagers vulnerable to being victimised by anyone utilising the same type of media. Pascoe concludes "These sites of peer-based learning need to be taken seriously as they are structuring social and communicative practices that differ in some important respects from the experiences of these teens' parents, and they can become a site of intergenerational tension and misunderstanding. Teenagers are not one dimensional"
Thoughts
It was interesting to read Pascoe's article about how dating has adapted over the last few decades. I grew up in an era where boys knocked on the front door and asked you out in person. The digitisation of dating in the 21^st century is complex and frightening. You witness the programs on T.V of how cyber stalkers prey on the vulnerable in chat rooms and social networking sites, Children and adults harass each other on line, scary. In my early advent of internet socialising I have to admit I had a cyber-boyfriend. We met through IRC (internet relay chat) in the mid 1990's. We talked about our daily lives and so on. I don't think I could have ever met him though, I'm in Australia and he was a world away. It makes me wonder about the issues that could have arisen if I had actually have met him in real life. Safety? My family's safety? Was he who he said he was? That was one computer and a land line. Nowadays teenagers have multiple media avenues and not many places to run. To me that is frightening.
References
Pascoe, C.J. (2009). Intimacy in Mizuko, I et. al. Hanging Out, Messing Around, Geeking Out: Living and Learning with New Media.
http://digitalyouth.ischool.berkeley.edu/book-intimacy.